Daggers Through the Heart

Daggers Through the Heart
The day finally arrives. The day you’ve planned for and dreamed of and anticipated for so long finally arrives.  It is the day your child is born.  There’s no greater joy and you must experience this day to know how true this is.  When you get to hold that precious baby in your arms, you know there is a God and all is right with the world.  You feel as if you might burst with joy.  You find yourself making promises to that precious small bundle of joy that they will never long for anything. That there will never be a need for tears, ever, because you will take care of them. You will love them.  You will see to their every need.  You will never let anyone hurt them.  You will give them all of the things that you never had.  You promise them a great childhood.  A childhood so wonderful they’ll write books about it someday.  You promise all of that and much, much more.  And you believe that you will be able to keep those promises.  You believe it with all of your heart and soul.
 The years go by quicker than you realize. Another baby or two may have joined the family and you find yourself sleep deprived, walking the floors at night with one newborn baby or another. Fixing bottles, changing diapers, and slowly losing whatever life you had before children.  A life of quiet time or long baths or hours spent on hair and makeup is just a distant memory.  Your child, or children, and their happiness and well being has become your life and you wouldn’t have it any other way.  Bath time and bedtime stories and cuddle time make your heart melt.  You sing them lullabies.  You teach them to talk and to walk.  As the years go by your afternoons are filled with helping with home work and school projects.  And because you made that promise to that newborn baby, your child is now enrolled in several extra curricular activities like baseball and dance lessons and piano lessons and you now have to fit into those same afternoons of home work and school projects, baseball practice and dance class and shuttling across town to and fro. But you love your child and this is your life now.  And, if you’re like most moms, you also work a full-time job which involves 40 hours per week plus commute.  Your job must never take priority or precedence over your child’s baseball game or dance recital.  You must always be available. And when your baby or your young child is sick, it is your responsibility to take time off from work and take care of it. The father hardly ever shares this responsibility but then again, the father hardly ever shares any of the child rearing responsibilities.  Added to your career work week and your child’s school week and your child’s extra curricular activities is also the burden of providing well balanced home cooked meals for your child.  Never mind that they got out of school at 3:30 p.m. and must be at ball practice at 4:00 p.m. and that you don’t get off work till 5:00 p.m. and have an hour commute, you must and will find a way to make it all work out.  You also find a way to pay for it all. All of those dance recital lessons and dance costumes and braces and trips to orthodontist, field trips and senior trips.  The list is endless but you do it all.   And then there’s college.  By then, maybe you’re a single mom and still doing it all for your child.  You work extra jobs to pay for their first cars, college, apartments and weddings.  Before you know it, twenty or more years have flown by.  Your children are all grown, out of college, married and on their own.  You think you can finally do something that you’ve always wanted to do.  Maybe you open a shop or buy a farm or travel because hey, you’ve got so much free time now, right?  You’ve paid your dues.  You’ve raised your children.  You put your own desires on hold. But then the grandkids come along and your now 30 year old children think you are supposed to be available at a moment’s notice to baby sit when their babies are sick.  They don’t hesitate to tell you how you should live your life and how you shouldn’t be tied to other commitments “at your age”.  You should be available to help them when they need it. And the one time you can’t, you get the daggers through the heart that virtually every mother gets at some point or another.  It’s when your grown children, the ones you did so much for, unleash on you and tell you, with a very straight and angry face, “you were never there for me.”  If your child has ever hurled one of these daggers at you, you know it goes straight through your heart and creates a deep and painful wound that almost never heals.  It’s a wound a mother carries to her grave.


4 responses »

  1. I have just found your blog. I can really identify with Daggers through the Heart. I have a son who says his childhood was so awful he doesn’t even remember it. On the other hand, my daughter is so sweet and tells me “Mom you did the best you could”. I did have a hard time being a single mother who came out of an abusive marriage. The up side is my son has four beautiful children and I get to visit and be a part of their life. What a blessing it is to be a grandparent!!!

    • Jeannie – I sort of let my blog fall by the wayside and didn’t see your post so I apologize for not responding. It is indeed a blessing to be a grandparent and I thank God every day for giving me that blessing. As mothers, we did the best we could and that’s all anyone can do.

  2. I can fully identify with those “daggers in the heart” and the feeling of guilt when you are unable to babysit your young grandchildren. But, wait until your grown daughter tells you she has been offered a job promotion, involving a relocation to another state. Hence, the dagger goes in further at the realization that your 5 & 6 year old grandsons are moving far away and you wouldn’t be able to babysit them even if you wanted to. Such is my present scenario and I will be saying farewell to my babies in only two weeks. How do you prepare yourself for such a time? Only with God’s strength and “by the grace of God go forth I.”

    • Thanks for your post Linda. Yes, it is only by God’s Grace that we get through motherhood at all. The baby years (walking the floor at night with crying babies), the teen years (walking the floor at night crying yourself because your child is not home), the grown/adult children years and then those blessed grandchildren arrive. One of the great things about grandkids is watching your own kids raise them and hearing your words come out of their mouths. You know, the words they always hated hearing you say. Words of Wisdom. As grandmothers, we get to just enjoy our grandchildren and help out when and where we can. We can play with them and just have fun. We don’t have to worry about having them stomp up the stairs, slam the door and yell “I hate you” because you dared to ask if there would be parents at the teen party they want to attend. Their mothers get to enjoy all of that bliss. I pray you get to visit your grandchildren often and maybe they can come and visit you on holidays and summers. That’s what I used to do with my grandmother.

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